03.14.09
Close to You
As of this writing Mama, I am still drying my tears and trying to suppress my sobbing because I am terribly missing you again. It was one of those weird feelings I get lately when out of the blue, without intent and purpose, I would suddenly be reminded of you and of the times when you were still around. A little corner inside the house, your crocheted name on your silk fan which I bring with me every time now, even a line of a song would transport me back to days past and would make me long for your warm and loving presence.
After that fateful night in August when you left without warning, I stopped singing or even listening to music. I felt like, from then on, the world was put into a halt and so my love for music. Lately though, I would find myself turning on the speakers again at the office while I do something on the computer. When I am home, I would now check new music on the tube. I would also find myself enjoying music trips with a friend. And I have likewise resumed what we both loved doing on a lazy Sunday afternoon — to torture the magic sing with our singing. Even if you are no longer here now to help me sing those unfamiliar songs or to save me when a Dionne Warwick or a Burt Bacharach song plays, I must admit that somehow, I am now enjoying the activity.
It was not until I attempted to sing “Close to You” by The Carpenters when I started to break down. I tried to follow the first few lines, hoping that singing it again would restore things in my life to normalcy but near middle of it, I began to weep like a little child. I know how much you loved The Carpenters and I can vividly remember you singing that song effortlessly. I guess, it is one of your masterpieces and I was quite lucky to have found one of the recordings you made on it among the things you left in your room. If ever you do not know Mama, I was the one who bravely cleaned up your things even if it felt double the pain because I was pretty sure that seeing Papa do the ordeal himself would definitely kill me. When Brando arrived at your wake, I tried to hold back my own tears as I assured him that things would be okay because seeing him cry would kill me. I am thankful Mama that you lent me your strength during that darkest time.
But what really pierced my heart, Mama, when I tried to sing that song was the fact that it speaks so much to me… “Just like me..they long to be close to you…..” The song is a celebration of the joy of being near to those we love and adore. And you, Mama, were the one who demonstrated that happiness too well among the family through your selfless love and dedication. You touched each one of us in your own unique and extra special way even if you were too busy over other things at work or at home. You loved us unconditionally and as I would recap your life now, to me, everything you did revolved around me, Papa, and Brando. That is why I can confidently say now that your passing was not in vain because you had a well-lived and fulfilled life because you found us — your center and your reason for living. And we cannot appreciate you more for that!
You might be dedicating that song for Papa, for me, and for Brando every time you would sing it. And even as I listen to it now, I quite feel your love and I feel like you’re still with us — singing beautifully the song for us. But the truth Mama is, while you dedicate that song to us, the song in fact speaks about you and that was what precisely turned my crying into weeping and rendered me unable to finish singing the song.
On the day that you were born The angels got together And decided to create a dream come true So they sprinkled moon dust in your hair of gold And starlight in your eyes of blue.
Just like me they long to be close to you. …
I (We) long to be close to you, Mama! You must be someone on whom God spent a longer time creating because He made you quite special. We are lucky to have you, Mama. For us, you were the dream who came true in our lives. Like how I ended my eulogy during your interment, we thank God for lending us a beautiful and wonderful mom in you. We miss you so much, Mama!
Click title to listen to Mama’s version of Close to You
