03.14.09

Close to You

Posted in For Mama tagged , , , at 1:19 am by khessa

As of this writing Mama, I am still drying my tears and trying to suppress my sobbing because I am terribly missing you again. It was one of those weird feelings I get lately when out of the blue, without intent and purpose, I would suddenly be reminded of you and of the times when you were still around. A little corner inside the house, your crocheted name on your silk fan which I bring with me every time now, even a line of a song would transport me back to days past and would make me long for your warm and loving presence.

After that fateful night in August when you left without warning, I stopped singing or even listening to music. I felt like, from then on, the world was put into a halt and so my love for music. Lately though, I would find myself turning on the speakers again at the office while I do something on the computer. When I am home, I would now check new music on the tube. I would also find myself enjoying music trips with a friend. And I have likewise resumed what we both loved doing on a lazy Sunday afternoon — to torture the magic sing with our singing. Even if you are no longer here now to help me sing those unfamiliar songs or to save me when a Dionne Warwick or a Burt Bacharach song plays, I must admit that somehow, I am now enjoying the activity.

It was not until I attempted to sing “Close to You” by The Carpenters when I started to break down. I tried to follow the first few lines, hoping that singing it again would restore things in my life to normalcy but near middle of it, I began to weep like a little child. I know how much you loved The Carpenters and I can vividly remember you singing that song effortlessly. I guess, it is one of your masterpieces and I was quite lucky to have found one of the recordings you made on it among the things you left in your room. If ever you do not know Mama, I was the one who bravely cleaned up your things even if it felt double the pain because I was pretty sure that seeing Papa do the ordeal himself would definitely kill me. When Brando arrived at your wake, I tried to hold back my own tears as I assured him that things would be okay because seeing him cry would kill me. I am thankful Mama that you lent me your strength during that darkest time.

But what really pierced my heart, Mama, when I tried to sing that song was the fact that it speaks so much to me… “Just like me..they long to be close to you…..” The song is a celebration of the joy of being near to those we love and adore. And you, Mama, were the one who demonstrated that happiness too well among the family through your selfless love and dedication. You touched each one of us in your own unique and extra special way even if you were too busy over other things at work or at home. You loved us unconditionally and as I would recap your life now, to me, everything you did revolved around me, Papa, and Brando. That is why I can confidently say now that your passing was not in vain because you had a well-lived and fulfilled life because you found us — your center and your reason for living. And we cannot appreciate you more for that!

You might be dedicating that song for Papa, for me, and for Brando every time you would sing it. And even as I listen to it now, I quite feel your love and I feel like you’re still with us — singing beautifully the song for us. But the truth Mama is, while you dedicate that song to us, the song in fact speaks about you and that was what precisely turned my crying into weeping and rendered me unable to finish singing the song. 

On the day that you were born
The angels got together
And decided to create a dream come true
So they sprinkled moon dust in your hair of gold
And starlight in your eyes of blue.

Just like me they long to be close to you. …

I (We) long to be close to you, Mama! You must be someone on whom God spent a longer time creating because He made you quite special. We are lucky to have you, Mama. For us, you were the dream who came true in our lives. Like how I ended my eulogy during your interment, we thank God for lending us a beautiful and wonderful mom in you. We miss you so much, Mama!

Click title to listen to Mama’s version of Close to You

03.01.09

Collecting the pieces

Posted in Soliloquies at 11:00 pm by khessa

I haven’t been writing for the longest time because I was afraid to write something that does not impart to others a hopeful thought. I have been abusing and using writing to vent my frustrations in life and I thought that must stop. This world is already too burdened with people’s anger, resentment, wrath, disillusionment and I did not wish to add to the weight. But what is there to write about when everything in your world is perfect? Don’t the best love songs talk about letting-gos and breakups? Don’t the best love stories, say Erich Segal’s ‘70s classic Love Story or even that in Titanic, have sad endings?

In the past few months, though school made me busy, I have been afforded more alone times which made room for more thoughts, realizations, and emotions to run loose in my head. My rumination led me to the conclusion that most of last year wasn’t as great as I expected it to be. It’s been almost 7 months now since my mom’s demise but up to this day, the slightest remembrance of her still breaks me into pieces. It’s been almost a year now since my last relationship but I still cannot find myself openly embracing the idea of getting into another.

No matter how shitty though life has treated me lately, I cannot deny the feeling of gratitude I have towards it. I learned the best lessons in life after coming face to face with tough situations. I have come to know and appreciate happiness more after what seemed to be an endless feeling of pain. That “we’re meant to lose the people we love” might be true for “how else would we know how important they are to us?” Now, I thank every day I wake up to see Papa, my brother, even our dogs in good health. I see every good thing that happens in my life as undeserved gifts.

“For what it’s worth, it’s never too late, or in my case too early, to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit. Start whenever you want. You can change or stay the same. There are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. I hope you see things that stop you. I hope you feel things that you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life that you’re proud of and if you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.”

Life isn’t perfect and it isn’t supposed to be! God designed it so to keep us from becoming too attached to earth. With every difficulty, sorrow and rejection I get from this world, I just bear in mind that every circumstance that happened and every one who came into my life is a culmination of who I am now. “Life is defined by its opportunities… even the ones you miss.”

(Quotes from The Curious Case of Benjamin Button)