11.17.08
Posted in Soliloquies at 6:18 pm by khessa
I got to watch again one of my favorite films entitled Under the Tuscan Sun. I realized that I am probably in Frances Mayes’ (the protagonist) shoes right now who got so depressed and bought on a spur of the moment a rickety villa in Tuscany after her happy San Francisco marriage ended. Her story inspired me so much that I wish to pattern my future life to hers.
The story is all about taking risks, accepting changes, and enjoying life even if it seemed that there is not much to enjoy anymore. I’d like to believe that after three months or so of crying, I’m getting better at life.
During my lowest time, I’ve learned so many things. I’ve learned to deal with pain longer than I could. I’ve learned to manage my emotions better and not give in to silliness. I’ve learned to think a million times before making life-changing decisions and not to procrastinate on life-improving choices, such as enrolling for law school again this semester after serious vacillation. I’ve likewise learned to stop and smell the flowers, to bond more often with Papa, to thank God each morning I wake up.
I’ve also made improvements in the matters of the heart. From denial to hurt up to bargaining, I am finally now in the acceptance stage and I know, healing will soon follow. I’ve also learned to invest in new relationships, to trust more, to love more, and to forgive more especially myself. I’ve learned that both praying and talking to my mom constantly are new powerful pursuits.
Yesterday and this morning, I heard masses. How timely both gospels were: the parable of the talents and the blind man. Through them, I learned that a better use of my gifts is to never keep them hidden but instead be used for others. I also learned that we should trust God more no matter what crisis we face in life for God has always blessed me and therefore wherever life shall bring me, I need not fear for I know I will still be blessed. The film’s tagline says “Life offers you a thousand chances … all you have to do is take one…”.and I wish to add “….for God will always be with you.”
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11.12.08
Posted in For Mama at 9:07 pm by khessa
I really thought I was not going to write anymore after mom’s passing. In fact, I already said my goodbyes to several of my blogs. I have so missed her that right after she left, I could not find myself enjoying music and writing at the same time — two of the things I thought I could not live without in the past. Indeed, there’s truth to Janet Jackson’s song, “You don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone!” Losing makes us realize who or what really counts in life. Losing that which of primary importance to us enables us to forego the other less important, even if these are things we used to love and enjoy.
But I decided to get back to writing because of a few who prodded me to continue to write as it gives them inspiration somehow. I was wondering what kind of inspiration was it, given that I usually write to vent or when I’m not feeling okay. Perhaps, they are learning from my tragedies! =) Nevertheless, during the time that I wasn’t writing, I realized that the world won’t stop spinning for me. If mom’s passing had stopped my life for a while, the world won’t so I needed to keep up and keep moving. And so writing eventually came back!
However, I don’t think I am the same person now ergo my writing will not be the same as well. My one-month leave from work after mom’s demise was a time of self-discovery, of learning, re-learning and unlearning. I realized how short life is that we should get rid of a chunk of shallowness in our lives to put our remaining time to good use. The world is already filled with too much nonsense! What was immaterial, we made essential. What was fake, we made real. What was transitory, we made permanent. We fuss over a lot of petty things or fight for years over something so trivial. For my part, I wallowed too long over a love long gone that I was robbed of precious time to see what else was beautiful in my life - like those who continued to love even if I was hard to love.
Instead of fretting over minute details, why don’t we look into ourselves and assess what’s really important to us? Why don’t we try to see the bigger picture? We so love to magnify nothingness to sheer size. And, often than not, we only realize how worthless it is when it is already too late to put some depth and meaning into our existence. I feel lucky despite the tragedy of losing my mom because she made me realize all these.
In an attempt to itemize that which she made me learn, what follows is a list I made of such life lessons:
1. That our years here are so fleeting and we should therefore spend these on the people who really matter to us. This likewise means not wasting our time, emotions, and brainwaves on people we feel are not worthy of the same. As I would counsel a friend whom I found crying inside our office restroom because of a nasty comment given to her, “Why give your time, tears and emotions over this girl? Is she important to you? If she is, then by all means paghilaka dinha. But if not, then don’t.”
2. That relationships are the ones which really matter in the end. The quality of love, care and compassion we give to others sums up the value of our existence. In our final days, we won’t beg to see for the last time our bank statements, assets, awards or trophies but instead we would wanna see the people who are important to us. If we are the one left behind, we will not think about how much wealth we gave or was given to us by the person who is about to go but instead, we would ask ourselves how much we have loved this person or does this person know he was loved at all.
3. That every thing has a reason. I used to complain to God why I am still not married or why my relationships don’t work. Only after mom’s death that I realized that there is purpose for everything. Perhaps, God didn’t give me out yet so that it won’t be doubly difficult for Pa to cope up with the loss of my mom. Or perhaps, a better prince awaits me. As one beautiful verse reads:
“No one can ever claim you unless he claims you from me. I rserved a man for you who has my heart and loves me even more than he will love you. I won’t give unless he asks you from me. Soon you will know him for I have the perfect time. You are my princess, my daughter. Let no prince claim you unless he asks you from my hand for I am your Father, the King of Kings. You, my princess, is worth loving.
4. There is no point in carrying unnecessary personal baggage. We cannot change the past so we should stop wallowing in the what-could-haves and might-haves. The least we can do is learn from it and channel our mishap to something positive. We can’t be in the rot where we are unless we allow it.
5. That love, if true, can cover a multitude of faults. As one wrote, love is never so blind as when it is to spy faults. It is like the painter who, being to draw the picture of a friend having a blemish in one eye, would picture only the side of his face.
6. And celebrate birthdays (at least, others’) no matter how simple it will be. It is a way of thanking God for still giving you the chance to be with that person whom you care a lot about.
Happy Birthday Papa!
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11.01.08
Posted in For Mama at 10:43 am by khessa
Dearest mom,
Today is November 1. I didn’t expect that you won’t be with us anymore by this time to be busy over Halloween preparations. Instead, early this morning, it was only Papa and I who drove to Memorial to bring you fresh flowers and candles and offer you prayers.
We miss you so much, Mama! We miss you around the house that sometimes I’d forget that you are no longer around. I can still vividly recall you coming out from the door of your room or playing your video games. I can still quite remember how the two of us would spend Sunday mornings taking turns in torturing the Magic Sing. I can still imagine you telling the help that you crave for this and that food for lunch or dinner. We so miss you!
Since you left, so much has changed. Your computer has been untouched. The house has become silent except for our vain attempts to make it lively. Even the food has become tasteless for it was only you who would fuss about good food. Now, we can even hardly consume a loaf of bread or a bar of cheese. But more than that, Mama, we have changed!
Last night, I came across old photos of you, Papa, myself and Brando. Those were fun times indeed! But it saddens me that it’s only now that I realized their worth. Our fast-paced lifestyle often robs us of those quality times. What were supposedly precious moments spent with families and loved ones became ordinary because we believed work, earning, and socializing are more important. I hope it’s not yet too late to make amends. These days, I try as much as possible to spend rest days at home with Papa. If I have no heaps of reading to do, I usually sleep at Papa’s room to keep him company. We also do marketing together for additional bonding time. As for Brando, we text as much as we can to check on each other.
Your leaving was not in vain, Mama. It made all of us closer, which I am pretty sure is something you’ve always wanted being our ultimate peacemaker when you were still around. We thank you Ma for continually being with us. And we hope that wherever you are now, this reaches you and that you are happy. We love and sorely miss you!
previous letters for mama are at her multiply @ http://winefredabalabag.multiply.com/
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