08.23.07

FOR MY UNMARRIED FRIENDS WHO ARE BUGGED BY NOSEYS WHO ASK WHEN WILL THE WEDDING BELLS TOLL

Posted in Uncategorized at 9:57 pm by khessa

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To me and many of my unmarried friends, marriage is a topic
we as much as possible would avoid discussing like it is the plague. If it
somehow finds its way in our talks, we would either ignore it or joke about it,
making sure that it is not addressed. When some people not close to me would thoughtlessly
ask when would the “long table” be, I would just flash my trademark smile,
which Nikko himself noticed I’d automatically put on when I don’t like the
topic or the teasing.

 

It’s not that I or my like-minded friends haven’t really thought
about marriage. Long before the “pressure” is on because of age issues, I already
have my own valuation on it (and so do my friends). I just don’t like talking
about it because I don’t want to sound like sour graping when I attack some
people’s take on it. Don’t get me wrong! I’m perfectly okay with marriage. It’s
just that I don’t like the way some take the plunge nowadays.

 

Take for example a relative of mine who was married off by her parents at a very
early age of 15 because she got pregnant. I mean, hello, at 15, I was still
playing “tigso” and crushing on movie stars. What does she know about childcare
and family life? A close friend of mine was married off by her mom
to a jobless guy known for his infidelity throughout their courtship just because they were caught
sleeping next to each other. Why didn’t her mom consider the fact that she is giving her child to someone who is worthless?

 

People nowadays have made up so many hollow reasons to justify
marriage. There is the typical desire to escape family obligations. And yes, the dreamers who set a target age and year for contracting marriage. I was once one of them. Because of my desire to marry at 24 just like my mom and aunts,
I was about to marry a total stranger. I’m just so glad that God is so good
that He saved me from making such a huge mistake.

 

There is really no clear-cut guideposts to marriage. Like faith, it’s an awakening quite personal that it varies to different people. All I
know is that marriage is more than our childhood fancies of walking down the
aisle as prince charming waits at the end of it. It’s more than choosing what motif
and colors to use at the reception for marriage does not end when the
ceremonies are over, when all the guests have gone home and finished witnessing
your little show. For all we know, there are more important preparations to
make before taking the big leap.

 

For one, I like first to discover my individuality and
independence as a person. I don’t want that while we work at our identity as a
couple, I am left behind trying to catch up figuring my own. This has often
become the struggle of married couples. I know someone who married early and
wasn’t able to experience office work so she couldn’t understand the overtimes
and the demands of her husband’s work. There are also a few guys I know who,
because they started to go out with friends only when they are already married,
do not understand their wife’s disapproval on their late night outs. As for me,
I would like first to enjoy the freedom I have now, to take time to know who I
am and what I want in life, to be rightfully selfish and self-indulgent. I
mean, singlehood brings so much opportunities in life that may never come
around again.

 

Second, I would like to marry when I am spiritually and financially
ready. It’s too ideal you may say but don’t loved ones deserve the best
preparations? Right now, I don’t think I am financially equipped to have others
to depend on me. Learning only the hospital bills my officemates would incur
when their kids get sick, I’d cringe in shame for wanting to adopt a child
before. Having not much yet to share about my God and my relationship with Him is
also a shame. I want to get intimate with Him first so that I would have
something to share about Him to my kids someday. More than panicking over
financial, emotional and spiritual roller coaster, I want motherhood and
wifehood to be an extraordinary experience. I want to be able to acquire first
all the experiences I could so that I would appreciate more my husband and my
kids.

 

Third, I want to marry when I find the right guy. Right guy
is such a vague term that I don’t know what constitutes one. But I know there’s
always a way of knowing if he’s the one. Most of my single girlfriends and I
are in steady and normal relationships now. We may admit it or not but truth is,
we are discreetly eyeing our present boyfriends as potential lifetime partners.
Unlike the boyfriends we have had when we were still younger, the ones we are
with now passed higher standards and more thorough quality control checks and
are therefore not easy subjects for immediate disposal. =) At our age, we don’t
want to change boyfriends as much as possible. But this doesn’t mean that we
are easy targets of abuse because we hold on to these guys. Truth of the matter,
we don’t care anymore if we don’t marry soon. Through the advancement of science,
childbearing is no longer impossible even at the age 40. And there is also lifetime
singlehood as another choice. So there is no need for haste. Calmly, we focus
our attentions now only to what is essential.

….Does the guy I am with now
possess the qualities I look for in a lifetime partner?

….Will he still be as
proud as he is now in introducing me as his girlfriend/wife to colleagues ten
or twenty years from now?

….Will he give me the same understanding and encouragement
that he gives now with my job and the other stuffs I love to do?

….Will he shower
me the same amount of love when I am old and gray?

….Can I love this guy for the
rest of my life and beyond?

 

So instead of bugging me about getting married soon, ask rather if I am ready. Ask  if I have gotten rid off my vices and bad habits so I would become a better mom
and wife. Ask if I am worthy to have another’s life depend on me. Ask if I have made the most out of my single life to not want anything else when I finally settle
down.

08.07.07

i will miss therapy

Posted in Uncategorized at 11:34 pm by khessa

i guess, yesterday was my last visit to my PT. The hour and so of painful pushing and pulling of my leg, the electricity i was subjected to disguise the pain which i could even feel running through my veins even when i get home, the severe headache after every session will all be over now. Although other exercises will have to be done at home, we have reached our 130-degree target and i don’t as much have trouble anymore walking nor bending my knee, which i couldn’t do before because of my month-long use of the knee immobilizer device.

i went to see a physiotherapist because my left leg sustained minor fracture due to a vehicular accident last june 3. i was driving a motorcycle quite bigger and heavier than my own and because i was uncomfortable of the helmet i was wearing, i went down the shouldering of the road to fix it. i wasn’t even squeezing the gear hard when upon ascent, i lost balance and the motorcycle skidded. i wasn’t sure if the vehicle landed on my leg but i ended up with a broken leg. for a month, i was bed bound and depended a lot on others from getting my meals, changing my clothes up to going to the bathroom. while i was at it, a lot of people visited me to see how i was doing. friends sent messages of encouragement. they didn’t want me to feel depressed at all because of what happened.

for some divine reasons, i never really did regret what happened. nikkol blamed himself  for making me drive after something got caught in his eye. he even cried when i should be the one who should have cried because of extreme pain. but i never did — not a single tear, even if i nearly passed out while i was being brought to the hospital. i never really saw blaming nor regret in the picture. all throughout the ordeal of going to the hospital, calling my parents, checking in my room, there was only peace and acceptance in my mind. i felt it was something that should happen and i perfectly knew that it happened for a reason.

i can’t really say that i’m a changed person after the  whole incident but at least,  every time i am in what seems like a hopeless situation right now, i am quick to compare myself with those who are in a far worse situation than i am. now, i am  more mindful of the sufferings of others than my little discomforts. now, i am more appreciative of the blessings i have and don’t complain much anymore. instead of gloomily rising to a new day — like i was in a black and white movie, and ask God what’s my life’s worth, i am thankful now of each day i am still breathing. i would revel at the fact that my parents are both healthy, that my brother is doing good in school , that i have a work to fund my needs and little luxuries, and that i have friends who love me and care for me.

 

i might have dreaded every session with my PT for the past two months but i think i’m
going to miss the whole process of going to the clinic and getting my well-deserved pampering (pun intended). i just realized now — even if the activity brings
you much pain (just like when we love someone),
if you have gone accustomed to doing it and it teaches you valuable life lessons, you are surely gonna miss it. = ) i will miss therapy.

08.02.07

in search of…

Posted in Uncategorized at 11:09 pm by khessa

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how i wish i was made of sturdier stuff! a little let down
from someone whom i greatly depended my emotional wellness on has rendered me
invalid for days. i wasn’t able to do anything worthwhile because i often drifted
to dreamlandia, for there (although it’s only temporary) no man could hurt me
and no thought could bring me to tears.  my
mom must have been wondering why my room was often locked the past few nights
& why i would wake up so late that we barely saw each other.

this is the problem with being human. no matter how much
pain we went thru in the past when some jerk messed us up & we built all
the defenses we could thereafter to avoid the same from happening, we continue
to trust and take chances. whenever we do, we make ourselves once again vulnerable
to hurt and we are giving others the power to tear us apart. all the time and
energy we spent in keeping the balance we used to have are lost the moment
things don’t go well. we are like small boats at the mercy of the giant waves,
hoping that we don’t trip over, whenever we put our trust on others.

 

i’m not saying that we stop on trusting and loving. perhaps, we only need to
find something more stable and unchanging to which we can anchor ourselves on so that whenever
someone rocks the boat, we will be able to keep our sanity and hold on to our worth. i’m still in search for that and i hope i find it
sooner before things get out of hand.

08.01.07

On Letting Go

Posted in Uncategorized at 10:39 pm by khessa

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To let go does not mean to stop caring; it means I can’t do it for someone else.

To let go is not to cut myself off; it is the realization I can’t control another.

To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.

To let go is to enable but also to allow learning from natural consequences.

To let go is not to try to change or blame another; it is to make the most of another’s
self.

To let go is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.

To let go is not to be in the middle arranging the outcomes, but to allow others to
affect their destinies.

To let go is not to be protective, it is to permit another to face the reality.

To let go is not to nag, scold, or argue but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.

To let go is not to criticize and regulate but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.

To let go is not to deny but to accept.

To let go is to fear less and love more.
- (fr PDI)