05.29.07
Posted in Uncategorized at 6:41 pm by khessa
There is the numbing fear of losing for good what you worked
real hard on. There is the pain seeping in the inner creases of your heart for
having hurt someone you had no intent of causing grief and yet who grieves now.
Self doubt creeps in and pierces your soul, tearing it piece by piece until you
don’t see any shreds at all.
Rather than address all these, you have to hold on and attend
to the trivialities in everyday life. There are the workloads piling up your
desk, attitudes of demigods you cannot swallow anymore yet you have to, bills
you have to pay and even errands as simple as pressing your clothes. Dreams and hopes for a lifetime with someone take the back
seat to make way for reality. Instead of focusing my concern on what is
essential, i veered my attention away and switched my heart to safe mode. Can
we truly say that we are living our lives to the fullest?
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05.21.07
Posted in Uncategorized at 10:14 pm by khessa
I could write the very saddest verses tonight
Writing, for example "The night is sprinkled
With stars sparkling blue, far away."
The night wind whirls in the sky and sings.
I could write the very saddest verses tonight
I loved her and at times she also loved me.
On nights like this I had her in my arms.
I kissed her so many times under the infinite sky.
She loved me, at times I also loved her.
How could I not love her big staring eyes?
I could write the very saddest verses tonight.
To think I don’t have her. To feel that I have lost her.
To hear the immense night, even more immense without her.
And the verses fall on the soul like dew on the pasture.
What does it matter that my love couldn’t keep her?
The night is full of stars and she’s not with me.
That’s all. Far off someone is singing. Far off
My love is not used to having lost her.
How my glance looks for her to get close to her.
My heart looks for her and she’s not with me.
The same night that turns the same trees white.
We aren’t now the same way we were then.
I no longer love her, that’s certain, but how much I loved her.
My voice searched on the wind to touch her ear.
Someone else’s, she’s someone else’s. Like before I kissed her.
Her voice, her bright body. Her infinite eyes.
I no longer love her, that’s certain, but perhaps I love her.
Love lasts so short and forgetting takes so long.
But on nights like this I had her in my arms.
My heart is not used to having lost her.
Although this may be the last pain that she causes me
And these may be the last verses that I write her.
–Pablo Neruda–
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05.02.07
Posted in Uncategorized at 8:02 pm by khessa
i haven’t been blogging (and friendstering) for a long while
now. but it doesn’t mean i’m out of shape. in fact, most often, i’m writing
when i’m feeling the blahs. and well, i haven’t feeling that lately. hindi rin
sa nagsawa na ang problema sa akin. i still have my usual share of downhill
walk at work and others. but the past month has just been extraordinarily nice to me
that i got so engrossed witnessing its unfolding that i forgot to write and keep track
of the events.
i quite agree in the adage that to get a meaningful life, we must have
something or someone worthwhile to live for. i had been looking for that
something or someone for so long. my fruitless quests even gave me times that i
would NOT want to wake up in the morning because, i felt, i had nobody or
nothing to live for. yes, there might be people who find my existence useful to
theirs but i knew these people could get by even without me. i always believed that no one is indispensable in this world and the world will continue to revolve even without you in it. as soon as
something or someone is gone, another one would take your rightful place, just
like how the tree grows new branches when it loses one. the world has its own
"order of things" that a minute disruption will not maim or cripple it.
my existential search was that immense that while looking at the bigger picture
of life, i failed to notice the little miracles right before my very
eyes - the ones making life worth captioning "BEAUTIFUL." so, while i was out of cyberspace, i did just that — look for greatness out of
ordinariness, look for something grand out of the simple and these are what i
found:
…a simple hug provides me comfort and relief
…a simple stare into another’s eyes – even without the
talking, can etch a smile on my lips and a bring my heart feeling of warmth
…a hand clasping mine makes me feel secure and trusting,
just like how i trusted my dad who held my hand as we crossed a
street when i was a child
…someone’s laughter can be music to my ears
…listening to someone makes me part of the story …and part
of his life
…when i cannot believe what i see, i can close my eyes and choose
to believe in myself and in my feelings inside
…it’s always a privilege to be a witness to another’s many happy (and even not-so-happy) moments
hmmm..you might be wondering where all these will
lead. but i’m
not up for labeling the gaiety and high i feel now. i’m not up for
concluding
that i will have a smooth-sail from now on. i wanna take these little
things
in a stride - one at a time, and embrace them at their face value without attempt on defining them. one
thing for sure though, i know these little everyday things will add up
to the
best foundation for a long-lasting relationship with myself and with
the person/s who give/s me meaning and joy.
so many of
us walk around with a meaningless life. many seem half-asleep,
half-dead, even
if it seems that they are doing important things. many are caught
unaware of the unexpected twists and turns of events - a slight slip, a
wrong turn around the bend, changes the whole story of your life. many
succumb to things unplanned and fall prey to them for the rest of their
lives, drowning down the drain and never recovering. many of us are not taking charge of their own lives and instead, allow misfortunes to rule over them. the ill actually
is we just don’t look closely at the signs life gives us because we are too busy chasing the wrong things. why don’t we pause for a while. listen to what that little voice inside our hearts truly say, before we take another step? it’s one sure way to appreciate to its fullness this beauty called life.
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