03.26.07
Posted in Uncategorized at 1:10 am by khessa
i watched music and lyrics with my “bf” yesterday. i’d like to use that word now because i might not be able to use it again, or if ever i
would in the future, it wouldn’t be in the nearest future.
the goings on between us now are not quite well that if ever
someone would recklessly come into the picture and try to break our last rope
(like a third party), i swear i’ll wreak havoc to the rest of her life. it’s a
consolation that we are both willing to try to work things out now even if
it is that hard, especially for him. i wasn’t feeling good the past few days
and was already toying the idea of finally giving up, when out of the blue, he
invited me to watch this flick he knows i’ve been dying to watch. i don’t know if he
does enjoy movies like those because he faked snoring inside the theatre when
it got to the mushy scenes to tease me. but ‘twas definitely a treat for a big romantic
comedy fan like me. and i’ve to thank him for that.
the movie was a feel-good one. i’ve always have a thing for drew
barrymore’s childlike manners, except that she lost those baby fats, which i loved
about her. hugh grant, though still serious-looking, managed to be real funny
in this movie with his hip banging moves. i love the soundtracks, especially
way into love (which fits to the present state of my heart) and pop goes my
heart is quite crazy. i just love the 80s and everything old!
the conflict in
the story, that is drew’s being haunted by her literary professor who used her
as the subject in one of his famous books, is something i can feel for. although
i didn’t have a professor who exactly did the same kind of trickery on me, i definitely
had famous professors, like THE POET Ricardo de Ungria who authored several books
like decimal places, luna caledonia, pidgin levitations, nudes, voideville,
waking ice and body english. he was my thesis adviser and he taught me and
my classmates that it’s okay to write erotic poems, and he made me cry because
he said that the story i made about my uncle was kinda’ erotic when for me
it wasn’t. i also had as professors famous writer/teacher teresita v. guillen
who helped me a lot when i was the editor-in-chief of our schoolpaper, famous
davao writer ma’am margot cleto and famous artist ma’am araceli dans who made
me shed lotsa tears in my children’s lit subjects with her.=)
the movie is definitely a must-see for those who wish to get
away from their haunting pasts and would just wanna start to live on again in the present. if you
have writer’s or artist’s dilemmas, like moving all the furniture in your room just to be able to find that elusive inspiration, you will also love this cute movie.
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03.16.07
Posted in Uncategorized at 1:30 am by khessa
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03.15.07
Posted in Uncategorized at 12:45 am by khessa
"To whom do I belong? To God or to the world?" Many of my daily preoccupations suggest that I belong to the world more than to God. A little criticism makes me angry, and a little reflection makes me depressed. A little praise raises my spirits, and a little success excites me. It takes very little to raise me up or thrust me down. Often I am like a small boat on the ocean, completely at the mercy of its waves. All the time and energy I spent in keeping some kind of balance and preventing myself from being tripped over and drowning shows that my life is mostly a struggle for survival; not a holy struggle, but an anxious struggle resulting from the mistaken idea that it is the world that defines me.
As long as I keep running about asking: "Do you love me? Do you really love me?" I give all power to the voices of the world and put myself in bondage because the world is filled with "ifs." The world says: "Yes, I love you if you are good-looking, intelligent, and wealthy. I love you if you have a good education, a good job, and good connections. I love you if you produce much, sell much, and buy much." There are endless "ifs" hidden in the world’s love. These "ifs" enslave me, since it is impossible to respond adequately to all of them. The world’s love is and always will be conditional. As long as I keep looking for my true self in the world of conditional love, I will remain "hooked" to the world — trying, failing and trying again. It is a world that fosters addictions because what it offers cannot satisfy the deepest craving of my heart.
I am the prodigal son every time I search for unconditional love where it cannot be found. Why do I keep ignoring the place of true love and persist in looking for it elsewhere? Why do I keep leaving home where I am called a child of God, the Beloved of my Father? I am constantly surprised at how I keep taking the gifts God has given me — my health, my intellectual and emotional gifts — and keep using them to impress people, receive affirmation and praise, and compete for rewards, instead of developing them for the glory of God. Yes, I often carry them off to a "distant country" and put them in the service of an exploiting world that does not know their true value.
(Excerpts from The Return of the Prodigal Son
by Henri J.M. Nouwen)
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Unlike those who only remember God when they are assailed with problems, I have this very bad habit of running away from Him when things go wrong. Someone told me that the best prayers are said when one feels bad and all yet still prays and praises. But I’m such so weak at heart to remember just that when things are dark and shattered.
But this is also why i love the parable of the prodigal son. it reminds me of
a love that has always been there even before any rejection was possible. This love stays and will stay no matter what, no matter what you do, and even ready to embrace you at your return. It is like God’s first and everlasting
love. Always there, never banished, ever warm and dependable. Among all the things in this world from which you have found temporary convenience, His is a love that will always be a refuge, a light in the dark, a source of hope that you can always hold on to.
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03.04.07
Posted in Uncategorized at 4:52 pm by khessa
RULE NO. 1 DON’T DRIVE WHEN DRUNK
RULE NO. 2 DON’T DRIVE WHEN MAD
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i think last night was the end of my driving career. i crisscrossed the highway like i was some reckless driver - ignoring traffic rules and road courtesies. it was so different from the way i would drive before. the fright was gone, my precaution evaded me. i no longer had my regular driving nightmare of a police stopping me and sequestering my precious license.
i wasn’t feeling all that good. the night before, i was so high-spirited when i finally finished reading tuesdays with morrie. i felt so good crying over and learning from it that i intended to rectify all my dwindling relationships at once. i tried to free myself from all guilt, including not letting out my dog, duchess, from her prison cell for a long time lest she would hurt anybody as she was so big (she’s a labrador). so yesterday morning, wearing my thick pants to avoid her scratches, i released her and let her scamper her way around the lawn, allowing her to harrass the smaller breeds.
also, i resolved to show my brother more love especially that he’s away from home and decided to finally visit the machine and withdraw for his allowance which i withheld for 4 days. since the other day, i no longer watched sappy soaps or peer at the lives of people i don’t know in some reality tv program. i wanted every minute to count. i wanted to spend it only on people who really matter.
as i was trying to straighten things in my life, one important person would wanna continue the cold war i tried to wage with him the other day. i know i’ve faulted this guy in so many ways imaginable and i wanted to change all that except that he’s not ready for it.
perhaps, what was written in tuesdays with morrie is a far-out cry, if not unrealistic. for even if you would want to change now, some people are just not up and ready to embrace a prodigal child or a prodigal friend who’s returning from a fruitless journey. some people would just wanna wallow over their anger towards you and would want that you live a miserable life.
if morrie opted to die serenely in his bed, seeing the open window of his room and the hibiscus plant as it sheds its leaves, me…i’ve always imagined dying in a vehicular accident. i knew of this fact because whenever i’d feel down and my suicidal thoughts would visit me, i won’t mind if the driver of the ride i was on would speed drive like hell, and instead egg him on in my mind. i prefer sudden deaths over long and painful ones. i don’t want the people i love and those who love me to agonize over my imminent death. i wanna go unnoticed. had i been lucky last night, i would have gotten my death wish. may god forbid it and continue to forgive me for having thoughts like these.
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Gone far away into the silent land;