02.27.07
Listening to: JT’s Sexy Back
if you feel bored, stressed out, depressed, out of shape all at the same time, just delight at the thought that others are happy, giddy, feeling high on the other side of the world while all these mega-nega feelings conspire to numb your senses.
i should be studying for a very loooooooooong exam tomorrow, but i can’t even find myself to open that goddamn book. i know my younger cousins might read this but i implore your forgiveness if "ate" has to use profanity at times. older people, when feeling quite on the edge, sometimes would need to spit despicable words in order to feel better. just now…let me be at my worst! this escape i need now so i could shake off all the clouds in my head that have been blinding me from all the beauties of this world. and don’t try to grammar-check me this time because i’m neither up for it.
i blame my creative writing class for making me realize that writing can be therapeutic, especially when you’re on the brink of your sanity. if you are enrolled in one, what i’m doing now is called a rambling essay where you can just write anything that comes easy to mind. i miss driving off to a deserted place, away from the probing eyes and ears of prudish & robotic folks, and shout all the hell i could and feel good after. i miss swimming at daytime, that is! (i’m someone who literally feels like dying when swimming at night. i have that…i don’t know if there’s a term for that kind of phobia). swimming in broad daylight is among the few times i could be in two different worlds at one time because while all the people ashore are scorched under the heat of the sun, i could revel at the cold feel of the underwaters. i feel like i am in a different world while still in the same world.
i miss being focused. right now, i’m in disarray. i can’t choose which chore to do first, which dog to play with first, which clothes to get in from among the heaps of my useless clothes. i don’t know if i should go to this wedding or not when i am being asked to emcee during the reception. i hate it when i go to a function and i don’t appear merely among the audience. i hated school programs before because instead of enjoying the event with fellow students, i am all too caught up and constipated preparing for a song number. who says everybody loves the limelight? they say that singing is a gift that i must hone but i’m so ungrateful to be want to choose which gifts to receive. in fact, i wanted other gifts but no amount of effort or strife could bring me near to their accomplishment. i wanted the gift of loving someone completely. i feel shortchanged whenever i am in a relationship and i don’t match or surpass the other person’s love. but is there really such a thing? if you would love someone completely, what’s left of you then?
this morning, i woke up again with all the lights in my room on and my tv screaming yet another song by a neverheard band. it’s been like that for days. i had all the intentions to study but, like in writing, i couldn’t find the inspiration to do so and instead doze off while at it. but do we really need inspirations? is the probability of a failing grade not enough inspiration? although i never got a failing mark in my life or even a "tres" in UP or during my masters, how could that be alarming when i’m not at all ashamed of re-taking the subject? how could that be a problem for someone who sees failure as the most natural occurrence in this world? for i’ve always believed that everyone is entitled to fail. we have a right to fail and stumble at times. and it’s less stressful when we don’t try to put on masks and pretend that we are these all-too-perfect-whom-everyone-wants-to be persons.i may appear to be all too caught up at perfecting every task given to me, whether in school or in my work, but i’m never ashamed of owning my mistakes because that’s what makes me entirely human. i’m in fact a failure in most aspects of my life. besides, i pay for my tuition, dammit!
