12.27.06
Posted in Uncategorized at 10:38 pm by khessa
As the year closes in, it’s time once again to be in touch
with myself and my resolutions for the year to come. Time indeed rolls so fast.
It even feels just so recent when I wrote my new year blog I aptly titled “The
year that was and to come” in this same site. Anyway, I’m glad that I’ve
achieved most of what I had hoped for there like blog for a year, go to
law school (heck, it’s just for a sem and I don’t know if I’d last hahaha), and find new love.
The constants were still present in 2006, like my antique
(hehe) but trusted friends who have been there for me for eons (antique nga!).
I’m glad I’m able to reunite with Sharon because
of my frequent travels to Manila this year. Nothing changed much in me except for the weight gain I guess. I
still am weird and still love old songs, old movies, old books, old things. I still bathe dogs on weekends though
there had been addition to the pets around the house. But I wish to veer away
from specifics in this blog because 2006 was a differently GRAND year for me. It was a year
of liberation from the trivialities I used to hold tight on to. In 2006, it’s like I’ve
suddenly grown up and learned very important life lessons both the easy and the hard
way.
This year, I learned how everything in this world fleets, even
our stay here we don’t have control of. My lola’s demise a day before my
birthday taught me not to take things for granted. Every minute
counts. Spend it on people and activities that really matter, not with those
whom you were just constrained to be with or to do. Every word that needs to be
said, every task that needs to be done, every blessing that needs to be passed
on, every chance that needs to be seized, do it now because once the final
breath is made, even without you acceding to it, you can’t anymore reach for
the person to whom it is for.
In 2006, because of exiguousness of time, I’ve learned to
prioritize and maximize. I’ve learned to choose the things to dip my hands
into. If I was the active-in-everything girl in 2005, I am glad that I choose
my battles now and see the bigger picture instead the details. I used to be so
enamored of competing, fighting, making big out of something so ordinary and
useless, but this year, I’ve learned to stay untarnished even at attacks of self-exalting
dimwits. As abovementioned, I don’t waste time, effort, or even emotions anymore on
people that don’t matter. Stick to that and I’ll be untouchable.
In 2006, I’ve found love just like what I hoped for in my
last new year blog. I wrote there to find GREAT love but then I’m not
quite sure if mine now would qualify to such because I found that relationships
are harder to keep than I thought. As of this writing, the goings-on between us
is not so going. It’s one helluva sacrifice which is something new to me, and must be the reason why I’m having a hard time keeping up with the tides. A relationship is indeed
like a fern (remember “How to lose a guy in 10 days”). It’s not only about love’s
wonderful trappings. It’s mostly about working things out. Eat your pride if
you must or spread yourself too thinly at times. Who knows, in time, it would become
the GREAT love I was looking for.
2006 was indeed a full year for me – materially but more so
with the intangibles. I wish for continued applications of the few but valuable
lessons from 2006 to the new year. In 2007,
- I would want to compete with myself rather than with others. Racing up with yourself and surpassing her is far more fulfilling than trying to beat someone else. Standardize, strive to tap all my resources, and be able to share part of myself to others, I think, will give me the kind of "high" I’m looking for.
- I will try not to be anyone’s prey even to my own weaker self. There had been so many instances in my past when what I worried about never materialized at all. I wish to not cower anymore at challenges, to lose hope at the slight difficulty, to cringe at the face of intimidations, or to just follow conventions I don’t believe in. In this world, we are provided with so many choices, so many ways, and possibilities for our taking. We just have to always get out of the box and not limit ourselves.
- I wish to bloom where I am planted. Too many of us, including myself, wish to be someone else or somewhere else when we cannot even be the best, or merely just do good, in what we do. Before I wish for something else, I’d try to love and content myself first with what I have and who I am for now. Give my best shot and see if the shoe fits me first.
- I wish to own my acts no matter how stupid it may seem to others. I am tired of my aimless wander and of just going where the wind blows me. Truth is, I am no longer my old shrewish, selfish, brattish self back when I was still in high school and college in my efforts to please everyone. Hell, keeping up with other’s expectations or kissing asses is the worst show ever put up on earth. I will own all my acts now while keeping the thought in mind that my freedom ends when I infringe on other’s.
These I cast to high heavens as I bid 2006 goodbye and say hello 2007.
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12.18.06
Posted in Uncategorized at 7:19 pm by khessa
If You Forget Me
I want you to know
one thing.
You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.
Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you, little by little.
If suddenly
you forget me,
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.
If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.
But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.
I do not love you…
I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.
I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.
I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way than this:
where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.
I Like for You to be Still
I like for you to be still:
it is as though you were absent,
and you hear me from far away
and my voice does not touch you.
It seems as though your eyes had flown away
and it seems that a kiss had sealed your mouth.
As all things are filled with my soul
you emerge from the things,
filled with my soul.
You are like my soul,
a butterfly of dream,
and you are like the word Melancholy.
I like for you to be still
and you seem far away.
It sounds as though you were lamenting,
a butterly cooing like a dove.
And you hear me from far away, and my voice does not reach you:
Let me come down to be still in your silence.
And let me talk to you with your silence
that is bright as a lamp, simple as a ring.
You are like the night,
with its stillness and constellations.
Your silence is that of a star,
as remote and candid.
I like for you to be still:
it is as though you were absent,
d
istant and full of sorrow as though you had died.
One word then, one smile, is enough.
And I am happy,
happy that it’s not true.
Tonight I Can Write…
Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
Write for example, "The night is shattered
and the blue stars shiver in the distance."
The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.
Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her,
and sometimes she loved me too.
Through nights like this one, I held her in my arms.
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.
She loved me, sometimes I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.
Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her.
To feel that I have lost her.
To hear the immense night,
still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.
What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is shattered
and she is not with me.
This is all.
In the distance someone is singing.
In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.
My sight searches for her as though to go to her.
My heart looks for her,
and she is not with me.
The same night whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.
I no longer love her, that’s certain,
but how I loved her.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.
Another’s. She will be another’s.
Like my kisses before.
Her bright body.
Her infinite eyes.
I no longer love her, that’s certain,
but maybe I love her.
Love is so short,
forgetting is so long.
Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.
Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer
and these the last verses that I write for her.
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12.06.06
Posted in Uncategorized at 4:52 pm by khessa
FLOWER in the crannied wall,
I pluck you out of the crannies;-
Hold you here, root and all, in my hand,
Little flower-but if I could understand
What you are, root and all, and all in all,
I should know what God and man is.
By Alfred, Lord Tennyson (1809-1892)
This is one of my most favorite poems back in college. It may only talk about a certain flower which just sprouts from a crannied wall but the act done by the persona illustrated how we could see through a tiny portion of nature the meaning of it all. This is a comforting reminder that we can get a glimpse of infinity from something finite. Whew! Tough, right? To simply put it, it is just like gazing at the sky and marvel at the thought that despite the sky’s and the world’s vastness, God doesn’t fail to watch over the spot where I stand. =) Feel blessed and pray for all the victims of all the calamities that have wrecked our country especially those of Typhoon Reming and Seniang. If you have extras from your Christmas bonuses, share your blessings to those who need it most.
You may do so by sending cash or check donations to the Philippine National Red Cross:
Peso Account
Bank: Metrobank - Port Area Branch Anda Circle, Port Area, Manila
Account Name: The Philippine National Red Cross
Account No: 151-3-041-63122-8-MBTC
Note: For your donations to be properly acknowledged, kindly fax the
bank transaction slips at nos. +63.2.525.5654 or +63.2.404.0979 with
your name, address and contact nos.
Or through
SMS and G-CASH (Globe)
-
SMS
text REDAMOUNT (in 5 / 25 / 50 / 100 / 300 denominations) and send to 2899
- G-CASH
text DONATEAMOUNT4-digit M-PINREDCROSS and to 2882
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Posted in Uncategorized at 4:51 pm by khessa
it’s soooo easy saying that but so tough to put into practice. this is because we, members of the human race (no pun intended), are more drawn to doing what could bring destruction to our lives, especially at times when things aren’t so well for us. i’ve had had bouts of those so-called near-end-of-my-wits situations when i held my hands up in surrender. during a greatest despair in the past, i was so up to ruin myself and it was quite easy accomplishing it.
to tread down the wrong path is so easy but to walk through the narrow road leading to what’s right is a far cry from reality. we people are so lazy that we always want the easy way. when a gigantic obstacle is blinding our view to our goal, we easily get discouraged and are more than ready to turn our back and return to our shell. we’d prefer comfort over hardships and oftentimes, we forget what faith is all about and instead listen to the dronings of our weaker selves.
how i wish i can only see beauty in the most difficult times of my life. how i wish i only know what perseverance is than hopelessness. how i wish i can be in a major heartbreak and leave it taking only the good memories with me, and forgetting the hurt. how i wish i’ve only got my mom’s writing ability and not her utter reluctance to people or my father’s interpersonal skills instead of his procrastination. how i wish i can only see goodness in the people i know and forget the wrongs they’ve done to me or to others. how i wish i can only take in what makes me happy and not wallow over my sadness. how i wish i can only keep the good things and drop the bad (and take toxic thoughts, practices, and even people, out of my life).
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