11.22.06
Posted in Uncategorized at 7:59 pm by khessa
There’s this pain on my shoulder wreaking havoc to my entire well-being these days. Points of stress as how Nikkol calls them. I haven’t seen my acupressure therapist for soooo long because I am punishing her for making me and mom wait the whole day for Sunday visit at home just for her to cancel it at the last hour. The nerve!!! But I know I am seeing her again soon because a massage bug like me can’t live without one.^^ Nikkol does not want me to see anymore my alternative hilot because he dislikes the fact that the former would utter "oracion" after the session. I pretty well don’t mind but there’s no harm believing him anyway.
Since the second semester started, my sked’s been on a rollercoaster. From sleeping all day and long hours of shuttlecock fights in the court, I am back to sleeping for only 4 hours just to catch up with all the readings assigned to us (and I don’t even get to read all of them!!!). I don’t know what went into our Dean’s mind that he sked for us to meet everyday in 2 major subjects. My gawd!!! We’re like back to our old wrestle in high school when you’d gotta study for all of the subjects for the next day. Maybe, he’s indeed right that any of us who’s with someone right now should either get hitched or call it quits. Hah! I can’t do either so Nikkol and I made little sacrifices, like going straight home after our class. No more dining out or hanging out at home.
So you can just imagine how I’m like a zombie when I report for work. I either have bloodshot eyes or an ache in the head. I’m like a walking drugstore now with all the medicines I’m taking, which would amount to at least 10 tablets a day. Aside from supplements, I am into cleansing now because I want all toxics outta my system. I am eating lotsa apples and drinking soya milk most of the time just to stay alive. I know all my sufferings now will be worthwhile someday when I am able to be of greater help to others. I’m crossing my fingers tight.
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11.08.06
Posted in Uncategorized at 4:47 pm by khessa
Have you ever felt the weight is on your shoulders when you try to change something about yourself but all to no avail? There is truth really in the saying that nothing is constant in this world but change for even for ourselves we wish that we be changed to someone far better than who we are now. If you have never thought of that, perhaps you have never grown.
But sometimes, or oftentimes I must say, the harder you try, the deeper frustration seeps in to your veins. There are things in ourselves which are just "bound to stay" even if everything around you has changed. These are like the staples, the unchangeables, with which no matter how hard you try to learn the ropes, you are just bound to fall back to your old self. I am feeling that now and my falling has never stopped yet. Even if I have tried to shake things off, I am still the same me - unorganized, vacillating, dreamer, passive, numb, complacent, cool….How I wish to become more passionate in the things I do, get more
things done and touch more lives.
It’s quite easy for us to tell others or say to live life to the fullest but if we are to appraise our own lives, can we ever say that we truly are living it the best way we could? Can we say that we have seized every moment or carpe diem as the cavaliers would say? Can we ever claim that we have just not let the world pass us by? Well just some thoughts to ponder. What is important is every time we fall down the drain, we let our heads rule on matters that our hearts seem weak and foolish. We don’t stay in the rut where we are at, we rise up, get our acts together and try a little harder next time. I’m thinking too much again.
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11.02.06
Posted in Uncategorized at 9:17 pm by khessa
Don’t you realize how our feelings vary from time to time?
The last few days I was feeling kinda ecstatic about everything in my life. I
was able to accomplish more things in the office and outside of it and I had
been feeling like superwoman. But today I woke up feeling again a slump in my
exuberance. Just a thought about someone going somewhere far affected my mood
when I woke up. A realization of a wrong committed also made my triumph over
woes dwindle. But why does losing hope last longer than hopefulness? Why are we
easily bitten by gloom than happiness?
Well, the challenge is really in us — the challenge to be able to sustain
whatever "heights" we are at. I guess, that is what this life is all
about. It’s always about the choices we make for ourselves. Oftentimes, I
allowed myself to wallow over desperation or be affected by what little
discouragement is being thrown at me. I think all my troubles welled from the
way I accepted the happenings in my life. If I am being subjected to sadness, I
would sulk and make things even worse. I never tried rising above the
despondency of the situation because I was too busy telling myself that I
didn’t deserve them. That was where I chose to be and I did not have the
business to complain about it even for a bit for they were my choices - my
wrong choices.
I don’t wanna make promises again to myself but at least now, I’m choosing to
hold on longer to the reins of elation and whatever good things I am blessed
with now. I am choosing to wake up to each new day seeking His presence because
I realized how unseeking Him has brought me to the dirge. I am choosing to read
all the good books I have been wanting to read all these years and all the
wonderful blogs of my writing friends because I realized how much good
influence good literature bring to my spirit. I am choosing to play badminton
more often with my friends because the activity is not only healthy to my physique
but also to my heart because of the company of my friends. I am choosing to
listen to all Hilary Duff and other girly music which reminds me of my kid
cousins’ giggles when they sing them and just how they melt my heart. I am
choosing to love my family more, to find serenity in their company, that even
just by sitting beside my lola’s tombstone yesterday at the Memorial brought me
peace. There are a lot of good things I am choosing now that writing all of
them would fill this whole page. But bottom line is that what we are here for
is to make choices and these very choices are the ones which define us. It’s up
to us now how we want them to work in our lives. Just remember that If we’d work harder, I’m sure we’d make good choices.
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