09.26.06

Burn

Posted in Uncategorized at 8:54 pm by khessa

I thought getting a new haircut last night could perk me up.
A change of something, like with my hair, used to do me wonders when I feel so
down. But as I try to work now in my desk, I cannot even click play sunny and
bright songs, even Sergio Mendes’ Hey Look
at the Sun which is a favorite. Instead, I mope with Usher’s Burn. So sad a song! My thoughts are
with Nikkol. I said something to him last night which, although I am not up for
taking back, I know hurt him. I told him I am tired of him and of us. I know we
are not breaking up. He’s way too mature to take my irrationality seriously.
His being replete with all the good things you look for in a guy is in fact the
one giving me problem now. He seems right in most things. He can knock sense
into a scatterbrain like me. He forgives me every time I err. If I’ve to borrow
Patrick’s love song for Katharina from my fave flick, 10 Things I Hate about
You, “he is too good to be true….(can’t take my eyes off you).” And this makes me feel less in so many ways.
But how can I throw away something I wanted for so long — a friendship with
someone who gives stability and color to my once craggy and gloomy life, someone
who keeps a flighty me grounded without reining in my freedom, someone who
values things I value — my family, my
friends, and dreams, someone whom I know will be there for me no matter what and
someone who accepts my not-so-pleasant side without flinch. I don’t believe in
soul mates but something in me tells me that there is something divine in us.
We have the same birthday. I have been using “Nicole” as my pen name, password,
and nick for years, even before I met him. A number of people also said we look alike. It’s not as superficial
as that though for we share something deep  like our common interests in faith, family, school
and even in dreaming of lifting this human race a little higher. I have come to love him even before I met him for he possesses qualities of  the person I want to spend time with — like a figment of my imagination woven into reality. Letting our
thing burn and go to thin air as what Usher says in his song is impossible. I
see beautiful days with him. And ey, before I finished writing this, his flower
delivery arrived. How can you let go of someone who sends you roses every time
you fight? Think!

 

09.04.06

Of systems and laxity

Posted in Uncategorized at 7:27 pm by khessa

Last night, I talked with Nikkol how at
some points in my life I would wanna just let go and stay out of the rules. I
am someone who’s most of the time a control freak. When I study, I study. When
I am up for finishing a certain task, I wouldn’t let distractions get in the
way. I believe in the worth of putting some system in my daily life to give it some sort of order.

 

But like I said, there are times that I would
want to break the conventions. Like in the office, I wouldn’t mind getting
orders even from subordinates. I see it like a lambing because they are mostly
friends and I find it also cool. I would rather want that the work gets done
than count whether this or that is my job or not.

 

On the other hand, I am also prone to
abuses. Just like how being asked about office properties like cameras or the
radio is annoying when you are too busy deciphering the IRR of a certain new
law affecting our office. And most of the time, others do not appreciate your
kindness of volunteering to keep these things in your locker because they don’t
have locks in their drawers. This goes also when you are too kind to help out
prepare one’s power point presentation and when there are errors during the
presentation, you get blamed for it.

 

These are the times when I’d feel so much
the need for order or putting things in their right perspectives. These are the
times when I’d regret and realize that I should have stuck with the rules even
if I’d come out like a freaky control freak or overbearing. These times are
proofs that systems come handy when things go a little bit rough…that rules
are not just made to constrict people. Hay, whatta day!