06.16.09
Posted in Soliloquies at 2:04 am by khessa
The news I heard today moved me & made me realize that life is a constant let go. At times, we just have to let things be and need not worry.
That change is inevitable but what will remain constant in your life are the people who love you like your family, that no matter how much you would hurt or offend them, they will still love and accept you.
That all lives intersect. That death doesn’t just take someone but in the small distance between being taken and being missed, lives are changed.
That past lovers may remember you and new ones may want you but the one you are with now is the one you are meant to be with.
That everything in life happens for a reason and that what you want in life will happen if only you would want it enough to make it happen.
That you control the berries in your head. That every time you think a negatively, you can always replace it with a positive thought instead. There is no written law that says that because you once believed something, you have to continue to believe it forever.
That your friends are reflections of you. Treasure them because they love and care for you enough to point straight in your face your misdeeds.
That what you do with your time is what defines you. So don’t idle your time away.
That there are people who have some parts like yours but no one adds up exactly like you. Therefore, everything that comes out of you is authentically yours and therefore you own yourself.
That no one notices you when you walk into a room so quit fidgeting or fussing about what others would say. They are too busy tending their own lives.
That life constantly pokes a joke on you. That is why it is worth living.
That the little acts you do at this moment will sum up your future. Therefore, be wise in everything you do.
That the reason why many are still troubled and making little progress is because we haven’t yet come to the end of ourselves. Most troubles in this world are caused by people wanting to feel important.
That the world is not our ultimate home that’s why God allows us to experience difficulty and sorrow to avoid getting too attached to it. So when life gets tough, always remember that you are not home yet.
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06.09.09
Posted in Love Blogs at 12:52 am by khessa
I am usually tired with the goings on in my life. Perhaps, it’s because I’ve been in the rat race for almost 9 years now and there seems to be no way of getting out – unless of course, I’d win in the lottery! I would complain a lot in the past but through time, I learned to get settled with the idea that I need to work hard to be able to party hard.
I guess what ultimately helps me sit on such sad fact in my life is finding Sunshine! He really did bring color to what used to be a dull life for me. Or maybe, just maybe, I already posses that ‘zing’ in life before but he is someone who could ably bring out the best in me (I’m being reminded by our school’s slogan…hehehe).
Seriously though, it hadn’t always been smooth-sailing for us. The start was quite difficult, a tough ride to the point that we felt it was highly impossible to be together in one place. There were too many tears shed, too many bottles of beer downed, too much reluctance on both our part to commit, too much doubt that it will work. But in the end, things just fell into place — without us affecting much our destiny. We were just too lucky to be able to get much help – not so from ourselves because, in truth, we often fell short in spreading ourselves and putting forth our bestest to iron a mess. To our wonder instead, we got more help from OTHERS, from those who are more skillful in patching things up, more creative in writing our own love story, more concerned and interested in what is best for both of us.
I am happy! It’s not the giddy kind of happiness but it’s more of the steady, settled kind. Now, despite the heavy work loads I get (which seem to get heavier & more impossible each time), I can still sit back, take a deep breath and enjoy every moment. I used to be too complaining, well yes, I still complain from time to time now, but it’s more restrained now. This time, it just feels different to wake up each morning knowing that you have someone who is mostly concerned about your best interest - second to your family, to have a constant early morning walking buddy, someone who checks on you whether you reached the office safely, to remind you not to skip lunch or my siesta. It feels different to know that after a long hard day’s work, someone is waiting for you after to ask you how your day was or just spend time with you to merely listening to the constant rhythm of the sea or to catch late afternoons at a park.
I am aware that things won’t always be okay with us but I have a very strong feeling that we’ll always be more than okay than we were in the past - when we neither know yet of each others’ existence nor of the joys and highs we get at each others’ company. Don’t grammar check me this time! I know I wrote too many run-on sentences and too incoherent ideas. I just didn’t quite well know how to put together this warm fuzzy feeling I have.
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06.01.09
Posted in Love Blogs at 9:04 pm by khessa
I don’t know what made me say yes that night because for years, I’ve refused several invitations to go out even in a group where I know Ryan would be around. But on that fateful day, I did say yes to his friendly one-on-one date invitation. It was dinner, after class, and I literally didn’t know what to say to him. I didn’t exactly know why I was nervous but I braved it anyway.
Ryan and I had known each other for a long time but we never really talked nor said “his” or “hellos” to each other that much. We were even like foes – arguing over class matters oftentimes. So the night we went to this resto which we now frequent was really an awkward friendly date and our first awkward real talk. We talked about all sorts of things – mine or his take on this particular issue, school, and etc. And before we knew it, we have been inseparable. Not a day would end without us seeing each other even for just a few minutes.
It was a long journey of YMing, text messaging, phone calls every night, picking me up from work or vice versa, and trying good food or drinks - the usual “friendly” activities that turned out to be something more. Fast forward to 3 months later, I still get giddy and excited whenever he would pick me up at our house. After driving me home, we still talk on the phone until the wee hours in the morning. It always feels like that one night we first went out.
Ryan had always been supportive and loving. Last Sunday, during our Annual Meeting, he drove all the way to Padada not just to fetch me up but to see how it was with me. The one I would call in the past as “Burgis” and “Mangtas” was there not minding the heat of the super closed gym and the throng of people. He always wants to be present in important events in my life and even the not-so-important ones. When I’m work-harrassed and stressed, he would simply hold my hand and whisper “Relax” to me or give me a reassuring wink or smile that only we both understand when he could not reach me. When I’m crying because I’m badly missing my mom, he would tell me “Ok lang na! I’m here now,” acknowledging thereafter that he knew he could not replace my mom but he would be there to stay. He always had the knack for making me feel special and coursing direction for someone like me who is lacking sense of direction.
And so last May 28, I had a bouquet of roses delivered to his workplace. It was not intended to make fun of him nor to brag. I would have even preferred that he kept to himself the story of his fate that day. It was simply the way I knew to let him know how special he is to me and to compensate for my absence during that special day. I had to be with my brother in CDO that day as it was his 1st birthday without my mom with us. So it was a pretty tough decision for me and I am just lucky that it was Ryan because he perfectly understood. And to prove that, he visited my mom’s tomb after his big day at his workplace, without my knowledge, and offered her flowers himself.
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05.24.09
Posted in Uncategorized at 9:08 pm by khessa
I was able to watch on DVD yesterday Eheads’ concert dubbed as THE FINAL SET which I was dying to watch if only I had the money to fly all the way to Manila. But I unluckily had no official business in Manila scheduled at that time so I could not even save on the plane fare and had to kiss my burning desire goodbye.
Witnessing the group together again after they disbanded seven years ago was overwhelming. Hearing their songs played live – especially my favorites Alapaap, Sembreak, and Ligaya, brought chills up my spine yet seeing a slimmer Ely singing this time made me ultra sad. It was like feeling happy and sad both at the same time because as I savored every song, the fact that they are no longer together and will never be continually seeped into my head, as if to remind me not give in to too much gaiety for in the end, it would bring me the lows. Hahay!
I watched the show yesterday, and again this morning and until now, I am still feeling so sad while their songs kept blaring from my computer speakers here at the office. I am sure the other 100,000 E-heads fans who watched the show live at MOA felt a hundred fold sadder.
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04.20.09
Posted in For Mama at 11:41 pm by khessa
Brando and his gf Carina went home last Holy Week for a short vacation. Because my brother is always too lazy to exercise and join me and Papa in our usual early morning walk, I had to make breakfast at Jollibee as enticement. And so did lazy Brando agreed with poor Carina having to tag along. So there were four of us who walked to Jollibee which is about three kilometers from our house. Brando and Carina walked quite behind us that Papa and I were even able to do two rounds at the Rizal Park before the two of them caught up with us. My ever brilliant brother had to use Carina’s asthma as alibi not to speed up.=)
All in all, it was a fun bonding activity and it reminded me of times when all my loved ones - my Papa, my brother and Mama, were easy reach. Since my Papa is often away and my brother works in CDO, I can only heave a sigh of regret that I did not grab as much together-times with them in the past. Now, I can only wish for good times to come back more often and to enjoy every moment I am blessed to be with them. We capped the beautiful morning by paying mom a visit at the park.
papa, tired from our early morning walk?
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04.15.09
Posted in Uncategorized at 8:11 pm by khessa
Good Day!
This is something worth sharing….
THE GREATEST ADVICE
Don’t date because you are desperate.
Don’t marry because you are miserable.
Don’t have kids because you think your genes are superior.
Don’t philander because you think you are irresistible.
Don’t associate with people you can’t trust.
Don’t cheat. Don’t lie. Don’t pretend.
Don’t dictate because you are smarter.
Don’t demand because you are stronger.
Don’t sleep around because you think you are old enough and know better.
Don’t hurt your kids because loving them is harder.
Don’t sell yourself, your family, or your ideals.
Don’t stagnate.!
Don’t regress.
Don’t live in the past. Time can’t bring anything or anyone back.
Don’t put your life on hold for possibly Mr/Mrs Right.
Don’t throw your life away on absolutely Mr/Ms Wrong because your biological clock is ticking.
Learn a new skill.
Find a new friend.
Start a new career.
Sometimes, there is no race to be won.
Only a price to be paid for some of life’s more hasty decisions.
To terminate your loneliness, reach out to the homeless.
To feed your nurturing instincts, care for the needy.
To fulfill your parenting fantasies, get a puppy.
Don’t bring another life into this world for all the wrong reasons.
To make yourself happy, pursue your passions and be the best of what you can be. Simplify your life. Take away the clutter. Get rid of destructive elements: abusive friends, nasty habits, and dangerous liaisons.
Don’t abandon your responsibilities but don’t overdose on duty.
Don’t live life recklessly without thought and feeling for your family.
Be true to yourself.
Don’t commit when you are not ready.
Don’t keep others waiting needlessly.
Go on that trip. Don’t postpone it.
Say those words. Don’t let the moment pass.
Do what you have to, even at society’s scorn.
Write poetry.
Love Deeply.
Walk barefoot.
Dance with wild abandon.
Cry at the movies.
Take care of yourself. Don’t wait for someone to take care of you. You light up your life. You drive yourself to your destination. No one completes you - except YOU.
It is true that life does not get easier with age.
It only gets more challenging.
Don’t be afraid. Don’t lose your capacity to love.
Pursue your passions.
Live your dreams.
Don’t grow old. Just grow YOU!
When you give someone your time, you are giving them a portion of your life that you’ll never get back. Your time is your life. That is why the greatest gift you can give someone is your time. Relationships take time and effort, and the best way to spell love is T-I-M-E because the essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.
–Rick Warren, The Purpose Driven Life
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04.02.09
Posted in Work-Related tagged teacher at 12:53 am by khessa
I used to be so excited when summertime comes. I would already imagine a lazy day at the beach while a Jack Johnson song plays at the background or a joy ride with friends to the mountains. Summer can also be equated to reunions with old friends and classmates. And of course, extra quality time with family and loved ones.
However, in my nine years in my present work, I am realizing how I miss out so much of summer fun. Since I began to work right after graduation, summer became a time to prepare for the annual meeting of our members in the last week of May. This means several overtimes just to beat deadlines and be able to release the annual report ahead of time. Doing the ordeal at first was fun because I so love to layout, to write or sit in at the printing press which had been my role since high school up to college. However, the fun is sucked by the way I would compete - not with the reports of other electric cooperatives, but more so with myself. I’m hypercritical with my output because I would want each report to be better than last year’s. It drives me crazy at some point because I find myself my most challenging competitor. I find it always so hard to destroy what I had lovingly made in the past in order to build something far better at present.
Summer is also the national awarding of all electric cooperatives in the country. This year is the toughest because the awarding will be held in Davao City in late April. All matters of preparations and practices are being done to make NEA’s activity a success. And the awards night is also something to watch out for.
Summer is also the elections of the officers of our employees’ coop. Being the chair of the Election Committee for three consecutive years is no easy task. My team and I would often have to check and confer legal matters with the Coop Development Authority to avoid unnecessary technicalities.
These are all aside from school if I would have summer classes and my regular workload. Sometimes, I would ask myself why I did not pursue a teaching profession. I find teaching always fun and fulfilling! I love being able to share part of myself to my students. And most of all, you always have summer vacation to look forward to each year. (Hehe….just a thought!)
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03.14.09
Posted in For Mama tagged balabag, inday, Winefreda, winnie at 1:19 am by khessa
As of this writing Mama, I am still drying my tears and trying to suppress my sobbing because I am terribly missing you again. It was one of those weird feelings I get lately when out of the blue, without intent and purpose, I would suddenly be reminded of you and of the times when you were still around. A little corner inside the house, your crocheted name on your silk fan which I bring with me every time now, even a line of a song would transport me back to days past and would make me long for your warm and loving presence.
After that fateful night in August when you left without warning, I stopped singing or even listening to music. I felt like, from then on, the world was put into a halt and so my love for music. Lately though, I would find myself turning on the speakers again at the office while I do something on the computer. When I am home, I would now check new music on the tube. I would also find myself enjoying music trips with a friend. And I have likewise resumed what we both loved doing on a lazy Sunday afternoon — to torture the magic sing with our singing. Even if you are no longer here now to help me sing those unfamiliar songs or to save me when a Dionne Warwick or a Burt Bacharach song plays, I must admit that somehow, I am now enjoying the activity.
It was not until I attempted to sing “Close to You” by The Carpenters when I started to break down. I tried to follow the first few lines, hoping that singing it again would restore things in my life to normalcy but near middle of it, I began to weep like a little child. I know how much you loved The Carpenters and I can vividly remember you singing that song effortlessly. I guess, it is one of your masterpieces and I was quite lucky to have found one of the recordings you made on it among the things you left in your room. If ever you do not know Mama, I was the one who bravely cleaned up your things even if it felt double the pain because I was pretty sure that seeing Papa do the ordeal himself would definitely kill me. When Brando arrived at your wake, I tried to hold back my own tears as I assured him that things would be okay because seeing him cry would kill me. I am thankful Mama that you lent me your strength during that darkest time.
But what really pierced my heart, Mama, when I tried to sing that song was the fact that it speaks so much to me… “Just like me..they long to be close to you…..” The song is a celebration of the joy of being near to those we love and adore. And you, Mama, were the one who demonstrated that happiness too well among the family through your selfless love and dedication. You touched each one of us in your own unique and extra special way even if you were too busy over other things at work or at home. You loved us unconditionally and as I would recap your life now, to me, everything you did revolved around me, Papa, and Brando. That is why I can confidently say now that your passing was not in vain because you had a well-lived and fulfilled life because you found us — your center and your reason for living. And we cannot appreciate you more for that!
You might be dedicating that song for Papa, for me, and for Brando every time you would sing it. And even as I listen to it now, I quite feel your love and I feel like you’re still with us — singing beautifully the song for us. But the truth Mama is, while you dedicate that song to us, the song in fact speaks about you and that was what precisely turned my crying into weeping and rendered me unable to finish singing the song.
On the day that you were born
The angels got together
And decided to create a dream come true
So they sprinkled moon dust in your hair of gold
And starlight in your eyes of blue.
Just like me they long to be close to you. …
I (We) long to be close to you, Mama! You must be someone on whom God spent a longer time creating because He made you quite special. We are lucky to have you, Mama. For us, you were the dream who came true in our lives. Like how I ended my eulogy during your interment, we thank God for lending us a beautiful and wonderful mom in you. We miss you so much, Mama!
Click title to listen to Mama’s version of Close to You
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03.01.09
Posted in Soliloquies at 11:00 pm by khessa
I haven’t been writing for the longest time because I was afraid to write something that does not impart to others a hopeful thought. I have been abusing and using writing to vent my frustrations in life and I thought that must stop. This world is already too burdened with people’s anger, resentment, wrath, disillusionment and I did not wish to add to the weight. But what is there to write about when everything in your world is perfect? Don’t the best love songs talk about letting-gos and breakups? Don’t the best love stories, say Erich Segal’s ‘70s classic Love Story or even that in Titanic, have sad endings?
In the past few months, though school made me busy, I have been afforded more alone times which made room for more thoughts, realizations, and emotions to run loose in my head. My rumination led me to the conclusion that most of last year wasn’t as great as I expected it to be. It’s been almost 7 months now since my mom’s demise but up to this day, the slightest remembrance of her still breaks me into pieces. It’s been almost a year now since my last relationship but I still cannot find myself openly embracing the idea of getting into another.
No matter how shitty though life has treated me lately, I cannot deny the feeling of gratitude I have towards it. I learned the best lessons in life after coming face to face with tough situations. I have come to know and appreciate happiness more after what seemed to be an endless feeling of pain. That “we’re meant to lose the people we love” might be true for “how else would we know how important they are to us?” Now, I thank every day I wake up to see Papa, my brother, even our dogs in good health. I see every good thing that happens in my life as undeserved gifts.
“For what it’s worth, it’s never too late, or in my case too early, to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit. Start whenever you want. You can change or stay the same. There are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. I hope you see things that stop you. I hope you feel things that you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life that you’re proud of and if you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.”
Life isn’t perfect and it isn’t supposed to be! God designed it so to keep us from becoming too attached to earth. With every difficulty, sorrow and rejection I get from this world, I just bear in mind that every circumstance that happened and every one who came into my life is a culmination of who I am now. “Life is defined by its opportunities… even the ones you miss.”
(Quotes from The Curious Case of Benjamin Button)
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02.19.09
Posted in Work-Related tagged DASURECO at 10:47 pm by khessa
If you would use any search engines on the net and type DASURECO, it is but a sad sight that it can be found along with the tag words “corruption” and the like. I am not writing this blog to save the face of the company I’ve worked for and have come to love through the years. My company remained mum about all the controversies and I feel it is not necessary for me to do otherwise. I still believe that the truth shall set us free someday.
But the following lines from my favorite essay “To the Young Writer” by F. Sionil’s Jose kept haunting me for days:
“Be an honest witness to your time, and be strong when they revile you for telling the truth. Your vocation will also condemn you to solitude, but remember — he who stands alone is the strongest. Even in your shattering loneliness, remember you are writing not for critics, academics, or other writers, but for your own people who, in their silence and perhaps poverty, cannot express their aspirations and anguish. You are their voice but only if you have not deserted or betrayed them.”
Almost nine years ago, after my college graduation from UP, I dreaded returning to my hometown and be stuck here for the rest of my life. I often dreamed of working and becoming successful in a faraway land and enjoying the independence and freedom that life away from home brings. If not for an advice given during graduation rites by a Professor we all look up to — that we go back to our places and serve the very people who sent us to school for being “Iskolars ng Bayan,” I would not be working at DASURECO. At the time I applied, I was even hesitant and even told myself that debt-servicing would only be for 5 years.
But time flew and I found myself appreciating the work and the causes of all electric cooperatives throughout the country. I have enjoyed working for these little coops which neither exist for themselves nor for profit. I relish the fact that I am with this group of people who have causes bigger than themselves, inflamed with the common vision of bringing the gift of light not only to those which are easy to light due to proximity but to families who need it most in the farthest part of the country. I feel quite lucky to have witnessed the teary-eyed folks in the barrios, during energization ceremonies, who in the days past, were only groping in the dark and were living in fear because of threats of theft, insurgencies, and the doings of the lawless.
I haven’t written about any of that in the past and I feel awful that I have not been quite an honest witness to my time in DASURECO. I feel that I deserted or betrayed the people who have not come to know these because of people like me who turned deaf ears and numb minds, who are too lazy to write.
“…Why then must you write at all? do it because there is so much hypocrisy and cussedness in us and, who knows, you may be able to exorcise a bit of these. Do it because many of us have lost our moorings, and it is in literature where history lives, where we can know best ourselves so that we can then live with ourselves and be rooted again in native soil. Do it because it is a vocation which will give you such pleasure, so lasting and so deep — it transcends anything those sybarites and sensualists covet. I assure you, this old man knows.”
The following are few pictures taken during DASURECO’s Pinaskuhan Drive last December. Though it is but tradition and practice of DASURECO to go the extra mile during Christmases and anniversaries, I got so engrossed with last December’s project because I, together with Ate Ann and Kuya Max, personally helped in scouting the beneficiaries (40 families) to ascertain their worthiness of the gifts which all DASURECO employees personally contributed. The scheme was we let a group of 5 employees adopt one family. There was about 40 families who went to DASURECO that day to hear mass and share lunch with us. The standards? The beneficiary family must have no electricity account, no cellular phones, or any thing considered a luxury. Hmm….isn’t that going the extra extra mile? An electric coop helping families without electricity? Well, who says we can only give to those who can give us something back? As an old adage says, “You have not lived a perfect day, even though you have earned your money, unless you have done something for someone who will never be able to repay you.”
Me, scouting for the qualified beneficiary
Guests were made to occupy the front rows during the mass
while Sha & I prepared the hall for our honored guests
DASURECO’s tradition of welcoming guests
IBODs help in giving out gifts
Malle Family got a sack of rice fr their adoptive employees
Dir. Suario handing out the gifts
Employees help out their adopted families
singing soldiers of light
with kiat Pran Baba, my inaanak
and stars!
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